Conan the Barbarian 2011 Haiku Review

December 22nd, 2011 by Reviewer No comments »

Barbaric Conan Conan the Barbarian on Amazom
savagely puts you to sleep
in this lame remake.

I vaguely remember some scenes from the original Conan the Barbarian, starring Arnold. The unremarkable remake will likely not leave a memorable impression.

Set in a mythic world, Conan bursts into the world on the battlefield as his mother lay dying. Corin, his father and chief of the barbarian village, played Ron Perlman, rears young Conan, which proves difficult due to his willful nature. The village is attacked by the forces of Khalar Zym, who is searching for an artifact which can revive his dead wife and conquer the land. Conan’s father whole part of the artifact, and he is left to watch as his father and village are slain.

Cut to twenty years later, and Conan, now played by Jason Momoa, is still hunting for his father’s killers. Along the way he meets a girl who conquers his heart, etc. The same uninspired fantasy story you heard time and time again.

While passable in the title role, Momoa does not compare well to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Conan from 1982. As Conan’s father, Ron Perlman looks out of place when cast in a fantasy setting. I did not recognize Stephen Lang (Avatar, TV’s Terra Nova) in the role of Conan’s nemesis Khalar Zym, and Rose McGowan went a bit overboard with her protrayal of Zym’s wicked daughter Marique. Rachel Nichols, Bob Sapp, and Nonso Anozie round out the cast. Morgan Freeman was wasted as an unseen narrator.

Gore and digitally-enhanced blood abound in Conan the Barbarian. The film underwent 3D conversion post production, which did not help it at the box office as the 3D backlash was in full swing at its release. Although it bombed in the theaters, there are rumors of a sequel, with Momoa possibly taking a stab at writing. Let’s hope he can keep up awake next time around.

Trailer for 21 Jump Street

December 21st, 2011 by Reviewer No comments »

Undercover cops,
rookies, and poor ones at that,
infiltrate high school.

Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum star in this big screen remake of the late 80′s TV series 21 Jump Street. While the TV series went for a more traditional police procedural drama, the movie decides to take a comedic turn, going the same route as the big screen Dragnet remake from the 80′s.

The trailer shows Hill and Tatum bumbling their way through the police academy, and getting recruited for an undercover gig to investigate a high school drug ring. It won’t be the first movie to have cops going undercover in highschool, but we’ll have to wait until March 16, 2012 to see if they can freshen up the genre.

Along with Hill and Tatum, 21 Jump Street also stars Brie Larson, Ice Cube, Ellie Kemper, Rob Riggle, and Dave Franco. Johnny Depp also appears. Jonah Hill shares writting credit with Michael Bacall. Phil Lord and Chris Miller (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs) directs.

The Amazing Spider-Man (1977)

September 18th, 2011 by Reviewer No comments »

In light of next year’s Spider-Man reboot with The Amazing Spider-Man, starring Andrew Garfield, I’ve decided to revist past incarnations of the web-slinging superhero. The upcoming reboot will not be the first live-action incarnation with the title The Amazing Spider-Man. It turns out the first was the TV movie/pilot for the short-lived series on CBS, airing sporadically from 1977-1979.

Nicholas Hammond played the title role of Spider-Man and his real identity of Peter Parker. Hammond is most notably known for his roles as Friedrich von Trapp in The Sound of Music, as well as Doug Simpson on the Brady Bunch, who breaks off his date with Marcia after her nose is broken by an errant football. He has ran the gauntlet of 70s and 80s series, appearing in Gunsmoke, Hawaii Five-O, Eight is Enough, The Love Boat, Dallas, and Murder She Wrote, among others. He is still active in Hollywood.

The part of always angry J. Jonah Jameson, editor of the Daily Bugle newspaper, was played by David White, known for his roll of Larry Tate on the TV show Bewitched. He did not reprise his role for the 13 episodes of the series. Michael Pataki, Hilly Hicks, Lisa Eilbacher, Jeff Donnell, and Thayer David round out the cast.

The Amazing Spider-Man Pilot

The two-hour pilot starts off with a prominent doctor and lawyer inexplicitly robbing a bank in broad daylight. They getaway and crash their car into an alley, which, due to the special effects budget (or lack there of) contains all the excitement that a 10-MPH crash can muster. Two men are seen taking the loot from the heist while the bank robbers are left in a coma.

Peter Parker in the Amazing Spider-Man

Cmon J.J., give the kid a job

We then meet Peter Parker, a budding photographer and college student, hawking his pictures to J. Jonah Jameson and looking for a job. A breaking news alert interrupts and informs them the bank robbery is the result of an extortionist who claims that ten New Yorkers have been programmed to ‘destroy’ themselves at his command unless he receives 50 million dollars. Peter then has to run off to his laboratory job at the university while J.J. and Robbie Thompson discus the headline and layout for the story on the mind-controlling extortionist.
» Read more: The Amazing Spider-Man (1977)

The Darkest Hour – Trailer Haiku

September 15th, 2011 by Reviewer No comments »

Moscow Invasion.
Iridescent aliens.

The Darkest Hour tells the tale of several young tourists who happen to be in Moscow, Russia, during the latest cinematic invasion of aliens from another world. Relatively invisible, the invaders appear as wisps and tendrils of light, and the trailer shows them vaporizing humans (and a dog) at ease. Here to devour our energy, modern weapons have little or no effect on them.

While there has been quite an influx of alien movies recently, this looks to be one with a fresh perspective, from the point of view of Moscow, rather than the overused backdrop of New York or L.A. The aliens being invisible is also unique and wil provide quite a challenge for the young group.

The Darkest Hour stars Emile Hirsch (Lords of Dogtown, The Girl Next Door, Into the Wild, Speed Racer, Milk), Olivia Thirlby (Juno), Rachael Taylor (Transformers), Max Minghella (The Social Network), and Joel Kinnaman. Chris Gorak, who previously directed Right at Your Door, and served as art director for Tombstone, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Fight Club, and Minority Report directed The Darkest Hour. Timur Bekmambetov (Wanted) is the producer.

The Darkest Hour is scheduled for a December 25 release in the US and Russia in both 2D and 3D. It is rated PG-13.

The Darkest Hour Trailer

New Posters For A Very Harold And Kumar 3D Christmas

September 13th, 2011 by Reviewer No comments »

A series of posters have been released for the new upcoming Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas movie.  The posters seperately feature Harold, Kumar, NPH, and the fourth poster showcase  all three.  Each poster contains its own unique tagline.

A Very Harold And Kumar 3D Christmas is scheduled for an early holiday release November 4th.  Kal Penn, John Cho, and Neil Patrick Harris reprise their roles from the previous entries in the series.  Also along for the ride are Danny Trejo, Patton Oswald, and Bobby Lee.  Todd Strauss-Schulson directs.

A brief synopsis of A Very Harold And Kumar 3D Christmas:

Six years have elapsed since Guantanamo Bay, leaving Harold and Kumar estranged from one another with very different families, friends and lives. But when Kumar arrives on Harold’s doorstep during the holiday season with a mysterious package in hand, he inadvertently burns down Harold’s father-in-law’s beloved Christmas tree. To fix the problem, Harold and Kumar embark on a mission through New York City to find the perfect Christmas tree, once again stumbling into trouble at every single turn.

Harold and Kumar Posters

Poster for A Very Harold and Kumar ChristmasPoster for A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas

Poster for A Very Harold and Kumar ChristmasPoster for A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas